Feminism Vs. Life...

One of the central themes of this course has been to figure out what the definition of feminism is. Is it a word to describe the three waves? Perhaps it is simply another word for lesbianism? Does it mean GLBTF??

            As the semester has progressed, life experiences have combined with the course readings to help me find me own definition of feminism. To me, feminism is having the right to choose what you want to be in and do with your life. Unfortunately, what I have discovered is that just because you chase after something that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be given to you.

            Throughout the course of this semester, I have lost a friendship because a friend called me a “bitch” when I told her not to go back to her abusive relationships, I quit my job for a man I still don’t have the heart to let go of, and I have been invited to two weddings, out of which I have learned three things. First, a true friend would never turn her back on you, as my friend later showed to me when she called me back later that week. Secondly, love is hard to find but even more difficult to let go of, as I discovered this week when a boy I used to talk to called to check on me. Thirdly, you should always keep searching for love and relationships because in the end, everything will be okay, as I have witnessed in my friend who got married after four years of being completely single.

            As most feminists have been faced with these issues of oppression in many different ways- marriage, politics in the workplace, sexuality, and feminism versus oppression- it would appear that my current emotional state would be understood quite well by feminists. The answer that I think they would give to me is a big hug, a swift kick in the butt, and a sign that says “I shall conquer.”

            It is my belief that sometimes a woman just needs to be alone. If a woman is never alone with herself, never makes herself accept her flaws and individual issues, then how can she ever be happy? In the first wave of feminism, as shown by the film “Iron-Jawed Angels”, women wanted the right to vote not to upset anybody but to have the ability to think for themselves. They didn’t want to live vicariously through their husbands. They wanted a say in the way of politics. It was about not only having a voice, but also it was about finding a voice.

 I have found out that like the women of the first wave, I have not found my voice. In one chapter of The F Word, it talks about how women today are not voting and are therefore holding us back. Well, guess what? I didn’t vote this year, and I believe the chapter has hit the nail but missed the head. Perhaps the reason women don’t vote anymore is because they don’t know what they want. In a world pitted against it, women are being forced to choose (and not in a good way).

            If we go out every night of the week and seek out a husband, we are labeled as sluts, as Valenti points out in He’s A Stud, She’s A Slut. If we claim to be feminists, people assume we hate the penis and are a bunch of lesbians or asexual freaks whose mothers have screwed up royally in their raising of offspring. Should we try to make our own way in life and do both marriage and be independent thinkers, we hit the glass ceiling and must choose between the life of the workaholic and the life of a soccer mom, as pointed out to me through Belkin’s Opt-Out Revolution article.

            Not only do I have all of this to worry about, but also I get the added concern of what if I never marry? I’ve never had a relationship, and it doesn’t seem like God is planning on answering my prayers about Lee Funderburk anytime soon, seeing as how his text message last night (the first time I have heard from him in two weeks) said “Busy at work and need my space...”

            So, here’s what I am thinking. These women obviously are the ones who have done the research and know what they are talking about, so I am going to say for the record that I am a beginning feminist. I was not a feminist before because I did not want to have a life. I did not want to think for myself or have my own life. I wanted to have my own husband, not my own life.

            However, my circumstances combined with the people I have met through this course have taught me that it is better to be a free thinker and have your own life than it is to live vicariously through other people. People let you down. If you have your own life outside of everybody else then you always can have yourself to fall back on.

For this reason, I must choose to be a feminist. I don’t think I am choosing this because I want to. Rather, I am doing this because I am the only constant in my life. Friends may not be there forever. I may never be married, never have a family, but I will always have myself. For that reason alone, I need to have my own rights and must be able to fight for and take care of myself.

            At first glance, I thought that second-wave feminists had it all wrong. I thought they were the ones who turned women into the “vengeful sluts” of Valenti’s men. However, I don’t think that the second wave wanted to only liberate us sexually to allow us to go out and copulate with every man we could get our hands on. Rather, I think the idea of the time was to give us more choices. They wanted women like me to have the choice to wait until marriage. They wanted us to choose whether to have children after a violent rape.

Also, they wanted us to be able to have the choice about whether or not to have a family. Finally, they wanted us to have a say in sexual relations. As stated by Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” “I say who, I say when, I say where.” That was the idea. And that idea is also an idea that I support.

            Contemporary feminists are all about taking care of us physically, emotionally, and financially. We are capable human beings with bodies, feelings, and independent needs. By giving ourselves (and other people) the freedom to do what we need to do, we are creating a society full of self-sufficient, reliable networks in which to lean during times of hardship.

            The discipline of Women’s Studies teaches people to think for themselves. During preparations for the group project this semester, I had a breakdown. Yep, a complete breakdown. I had no man to lean on, but I did have the girls in my group. Lee had not sent me any contact in over a week by that point, and when I got to Kendra’s house to work on my power point slides, I broke into tears.

Kendra had been through a similar incident with the man she used to date, and we were able to help each other. That was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. Women who reach out to each other in times of turmoil is something I think we really need more of and can get through acts of feminism. If we spent all of our time clinging to men and hating other women, we would miss out on so many friends and moments of importance in our lives.

            So, in a nutshell, here is my answer to whether or not I am a feminist. I am a newborn feminist. I am not sure if I am still trying to learn how to hold the bottle, or if I am know making an attempt to crawl, but I do know that I am a feminist.

            This is not to say that I do not still want Lee or that I will not still wait on him to come back to me. Also, I am not saying that I am giving up on my desire for a family. What I am saying is that I need to be able to have a backup plan in case these situations do not work out. As a feminist, I am lobbying for my ability to choose whether or not I will have these things in life. Feminism is about empowerment, not lesbianism.

            Furthermore, my choice to be a feminist will not affect my life unless I allow it to. If I don’t want to take another step, I do not have to. If I choose not to support a campaign, it is my right as a feminist to say no. The ability to say NO. The ability to say I don’t want to. The ability to say I don’t need you; I don’t have to have you. This is what feminism gives me. It gives me power.

            As stated in The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf, “The affluent, educated, liberated women of the First World, who can enjoy freedoms unavailable to any women ever before, do not feel as free as they want to. And they can no longer restrict to the subconscious their sense that this lack of freedom has something to do with it...” In other words, now is the time that we, the new generation of feminists, start picking up our signs and moving forward. We need to start telling our stories and waving our banners. For it is only through educating others that we can help ourselves win the battle of oppression.